so.

I love my life. I have bad days, sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm dying. Sometimes... I know I am. In truth, I shouldn't be alive today. Thank God for people who care. Really...

I guess I never realized how much I had until I thought I was going to have to give it all away. I thought I was going to run, even though I know problems are the best marathon runners there are.

I kind of expected to crash and burn. Run away, throw away everything, become someone else, someone I have no buisness being.

But then, how could I forsake my family, my friends, my love, my God? How could I give that away? Out of fear? Truly, the most fearsome thing in life is fear itself.

But now, I know. I know that I'm staying. I am here because I have a reason to live. If I were meant to be dead... well, I gave myself plenty of chances.

I am not going to be a living dead girl anymore.

I know I am not perfect. I know I never will be. And guess what? That's okay.

Just for fun...

Where did the world go?
I opened up my door,
And it simply wasn't there!
Where did the world go?
Did it fall apart
While I was sleeping?
Did it self-destruct
While I was away?
Where did the world go?
Is it hiding?
Is it invisible?
Where did the people go?
I opened up my door,
And I saw I was alone!
Where did the people go?
Did they run away
While I was disconnected?
Did they get abducted
While I was gone?
Where did the people go?
Are they hiding?
Are they invisible?
I surely do not know.

And it might not be prettiest thing that you'll ever see,

But it's a new day.

Oh Baby, it's a new day.

I am afraid

I have done quite a wrong thing.

And because of it, I might have lost...everything. Only time will tell.

God have mercy. Please.

btw

I swear, I need to be a vegetarian. I could just DIE if I had to eat meat again. No way. No freaking way.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

and a happy New Year!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Everything About You

I feel like...
I'm losing you.
Maybe it's just all in my head.
Insane and useless as it is.
Idk... maybe that's part of it.
I don't think you understand how..
sensitive I am.
I don't know how to be any other way.
It's just... a part of me.
And I don't think you get it.
And it really, really, really hurts.
I need you like I need air.
No, more than that.
I can't deny,
without you,
I don't want to breathe anymore.
Haven't we discussed this?
I miss you.
I miss you.
Are you missing me?
I'm sure not.
WHY?
When did things change?
What did I do?
I don't know anymore.
All I know is
I'm losing my grip.

sooo...

Allow me to say:

here we go again.

classy? who, me?

nah.

story of my life today

I am disturbed. Children.
Giving their lives up.
Killing themselves the way I have
We are children ourselves... what does that make them??
Suicidal, beautiful infants.
Wanting to die, but not wanting to be dead.

I am confused.
I am a paradox.
Everything within me is one chaotic mess.
Guess what?
I love my mom. I love my master. I love my friends.
I love my God.
Yet there's this part of me,
it is beyond reason.
I want...to be beautiful.
Even if it hurts.
I want...to resolve my life,
one foot in the pool of ruination.
I told him. Seems like so long ago.
"It's not your fault," I said.
"It's in my nature to be self-destructive."
But... why? Why is that?
Where did this come from?
Where did it begin, and where is it going?
I don't understand myself.

I don't know why
Today I,
I thought...
"I'm too weak to kill myself by this"
"Fuck size two, one, that's not good enough."

....I am 100 pounds, and all I see is fat.
I get the inclination to give myself,
pretty little scars,
all up and down my arms.
Where did that come from?
Hmm???
I don't know. I don't know much, it seems.

if you let me I could

Words.
I've got so many of them.
They make no sense.
Packing my brain.
Trembling, just beyond the reach of my lips.
I fear that
I have no brain.
In my head.
Just words.
Fragments of thoughts.
Ideas
-incomplete and unknown-
Will this make sense someday?
I wonder.
I wonder with
my head,
packed full of thoughts,
not brains.
I wonder, and that's when they reach
that spot
where they can be written.
Like a dog,
straining against a leash.
The leash is broken
By some force unknown
And the words come out.

...

I went to a place and I saw something
I wasn't supposed to see
and then it happened again
I screamed
but all that came out were the sounds of a dying machine.
and then it happened again

I'm going backwards.
retracing the steps
I'm sorry I took.
From a spectator perspective.

Rewind, the scratched record.
Hear yourself
Hear yourself
Hear yourself

You did it again.
Didn't you learn last time?
No I did not.
No I did not.

I'm listening to the world.
And we sound like a

scratched record.

"I Might Be Wrong"

I might be wrong
I might be wrong
I could have sworn
I saw a light
Coming on
I used to think
I used to think
There is no future left at all
I used to think
Open up, begin again
Let's go down the waterfall
Think about the good times and never look back
Never look back
What would I do?
What would I do?
If I did not have you?

it's all wrong but it's alright.

I never understood why Juliet didn't run away with Romeo. Why allow the one person you love to be sent into exile without you. When you say 'I love you' -and really mean it- doesn't it also mean 'where you go, I go. your problems are mine, your pain is mine, and your shame is mine.'? Is that not what it means?
See, as far as I know, when you love someone, it has no conditions attatched to it. Should love not be love, regardless of consequence? Regardless of hurt? Regardless of difficulty? Of course no human can live in perfect love, but...all the same, should we not work to attain it?
I think love is, in one sense, throwing yourself wholly at a person. You need them more than you need anything else, and you care so deeply for them that the two of you are practically one person, feeling eachothers pains and joys. Affection, being a feeling, not an all-consuming state of being, is not love, it is a part of love.
It bothers me when people say they fall out of love. You can't fall out of love. You can fall out of a mutual affection, you can quit desiring eachother sexually, sure, but you can't fall out of love. A love that can be discontinued was never love to begin with. You can argue with me about this all you want, but I will never, EVER change my opinion on this.

Sandstorm

Not to put to fine a point on it
Today has been one of those days
Where important things go wrong
In subtle ways
I am going to call it a day
Technology was supposed to set us free for goodness' sake
So far the only free I can see is
Promises of "free naughty pictures of Anne Kournikova".

I am SO calling it a day.
(cut and meaning-altered from the bunny comic)


And I am SO not okay.

Along the lines of "why tha eff am I still up??"

I should probably not be awake right now. When I get into a certain mood it's just... bad for my health.
I'm being a good girl though. I'm not really sure why. I'm holding on to a dream, I guess. A thought that I have to believe in.
Sometimes it's like that.
Just..... blindly believe in something. Hope for something. For the simple reason that if you don't, you lose the will to live.
I dunno... I guess I'm just in a black mood. Happens sometimes.
God give me strength.
I don't wanna fuck up again.

Hey.

So I saw that Bea put this up on Facebook, and I just wanted to put it up here too, so I wouldn't lose track of it.

Tonight I Can Write the most Liberating Lines

Tonight I can write the most liberating lines.
Write, for example, ‘Her life is finally free
From the cold, thin hands that suffocated her.’
The girl struggles still, but she does not forget.
Tonight I can write the most liberating lines.
No longer does she wake up finding her life
Is in complete ruins.
She has done it, broken free from her keeper.
It took twenty for months, oh twenty four long months,
But alas, she’s made it through the storm.
When she falls asleep at night, the mind still
Wanders, ‘what could I of done if I kept my personal hell?
Would it be worth it?’ yet, the young girl always knows the answer

Tonight I can write the most liberating lines.
To think that this is over.
To know that it’s not.
She’s come a long way, down a road
Of destruction.
And finally her soul brings her
Up.
But there are still years and years ahead of her.
What does her past matter?
It only counts that
Right now, she feels in power.
Right now, this girl feels
She can and will beat this.
A new thought, she has
Never felt this way before.
And that is ever so liberating.
Yet, this is not all of her tale.
She’s tired now, from the
Long steps she has taken through the storm.
The eye of the storm is still far, far away
But her soul knows she can reach it in time.
So tonight, as I write these lines, I tell you
I have never felt freer in my life.

- Beatrice Marysia Pacyga
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=39258632922&.php&_ecdc=false#/profile.php?id=557236947

KITANII DESU!!! (-_-)

WOW.

....
yeah. that was unique. Koi-chan is... disturbed by this.

Fringe was good. Nobody's talking in random chat, looks like I missed everybody. *sigh*

kawaii~

Going to finish Neko-Chan's manga, then watch Fringe. Not much to say, really.

Homework

Sucks. I don't understand numbers... *sob*
So I thought I'd put up pics of my favorite fashion icons instead! mkay? mkay!

Audrey

Twiggy

MK

Thanksgiving (wow this is long)

So, this girl, Bea, has a video blog on Youtube. OSnapski. Look her up, she's cool. She, like me, struggles with an eating disorder and self-harm and all the shiz that goes with that. The day before Thanksgiving, she updated, and basically said, "hey, I know the whole holiday season is tough, but it's not just about the food. It's stressful, but it doesn't have to be about that." And I was like, "hey, that's for real."
So... I've been having a really hard time with that lately. I mean, Thanksgiving is always really, really tough for me. And besides that I've had a pretty rough month. I've been trying to do better - for Danieru sama more than myself - and... it's tough. I was doing pretty good, not restricting too much, eating lunch and dinner and stuff. And I wasn't gaining too much weight. I mean, a half a pound either way, but I was staying about 102, which I can live with. Then... I got sick. Stomach flu. Of all the shitty, impossible, horrendous illnesses in the world, for me, that's the worst. But I got it. And, ergo, I didn't eat any solid food for about four days. Guess what? I lost weight. I weighed 98 lbs. after that experience. And I loved it. I was thrilled. Then, of course, I started eating again once I was better, and all of a sudden, I'm back up to my "normal weight range". Ugh. Then Thanksgiving. Oh Lord, I HATE that holiday. I hate it. And thus, I ate, and thus, I gained weight. This put me OVER my average body fat, which I couldn't really help because I won't let myself work out anymore. So what do I do to fix that? Why, overdose on caffeine and diet pills of course!
.... yeah. Spare me the "omgay you're killing yourself" lecture. I've given it to myself a hundred times.
Happily, (heh, heh, he- not good) I'm back to an acceptable weight. (note that this is all estimation, I haven't allowed myself a weigh-in since I got sick) But beyond the normal holiday calorie fest, I've been dealing with a lot of really triggering things lately.
I mean, with some things this asshole at work mentioned, and some off-handed comments at school... idk. I'm just.... really really sensitive to what people say about how I look.
-_-
Soooo... I don't know what to do. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to just full-on relapse, but I'm not sure I'm even capable of that right now. And I really wouldn't want to explain that to Dan, Andrew, and Elin. Poor people, I put them through so much...
Anyway... eh... long rant. Just had to get it out of my system.
{PLUR}