story of my life today

I am disturbed. Children.
Giving their lives up.
Killing themselves the way I have
We are children ourselves... what does that make them??
Suicidal, beautiful infants.
Wanting to die, but not wanting to be dead.

I am confused.
I am a paradox.
Everything within me is one chaotic mess.
Guess what?
I love my mom. I love my master. I love my friends.
I love my God.
Yet there's this part of me,
it is beyond reason.
I want...to be beautiful.
Even if it hurts.
I want...to resolve my life,
one foot in the pool of ruination.
I told him. Seems like so long ago.
"It's not your fault," I said.
"It's in my nature to be self-destructive."
But... why? Why is that?
Where did this come from?
Where did it begin, and where is it going?
I don't understand myself.

I don't know why
Today I,
I thought...
"I'm too weak to kill myself by this"
"Fuck size two, one, that's not good enough."

....I am 100 pounds, and all I see is fat.
I get the inclination to give myself,
pretty little scars,
all up and down my arms.
Where did that come from?
Hmm???
I don't know. I don't know much, it seems.