Thanksgiving (wow this is long)

So, this girl, Bea, has a video blog on Youtube. OSnapski. Look her up, she's cool. She, like me, struggles with an eating disorder and self-harm and all the shiz that goes with that. The day before Thanksgiving, she updated, and basically said, "hey, I know the whole holiday season is tough, but it's not just about the food. It's stressful, but it doesn't have to be about that." And I was like, "hey, that's for real."
So... I've been having a really hard time with that lately. I mean, Thanksgiving is always really, really tough for me. And besides that I've had a pretty rough month. I've been trying to do better - for Danieru sama more than myself - and... it's tough. I was doing pretty good, not restricting too much, eating lunch and dinner and stuff. And I wasn't gaining too much weight. I mean, a half a pound either way, but I was staying about 102, which I can live with. Then... I got sick. Stomach flu. Of all the shitty, impossible, horrendous illnesses in the world, for me, that's the worst. But I got it. And, ergo, I didn't eat any solid food for about four days. Guess what? I lost weight. I weighed 98 lbs. after that experience. And I loved it. I was thrilled. Then, of course, I started eating again once I was better, and all of a sudden, I'm back up to my "normal weight range". Ugh. Then Thanksgiving. Oh Lord, I HATE that holiday. I hate it. And thus, I ate, and thus, I gained weight. This put me OVER my average body fat, which I couldn't really help because I won't let myself work out anymore. So what do I do to fix that? Why, overdose on caffeine and diet pills of course!
.... yeah. Spare me the "omgay you're killing yourself" lecture. I've given it to myself a hundred times.
Happily, (heh, heh, he- not good) I'm back to an acceptable weight. (note that this is all estimation, I haven't allowed myself a weigh-in since I got sick) But beyond the normal holiday calorie fest, I've been dealing with a lot of really triggering things lately.
I mean, with some things this asshole at work mentioned, and some off-handed comments at school... idk. I'm just.... really really sensitive to what people say about how I look.
-_-
Soooo... I don't know what to do. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to just full-on relapse, but I'm not sure I'm even capable of that right now. And I really wouldn't want to explain that to Dan, Andrew, and Elin. Poor people, I put them through so much...
Anyway... eh... long rant. Just had to get it out of my system.
{PLUR}